Monday, 23 March 2009

Just me thinking aloud.

I want Lenten talks.
I need Lenten talks.

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do.

This isn't going to be my normal sort of blog, sorry to disappoint. I just needed to 'think' out loud, and that tends to work best when I'm writing.

I miss home, yes. But not just usual "Family and Friends" missing. I mean that's pretty strong through, but not impossible to work through. More than that I miss the presence of God. 
I know, God is in everything we do, every action we choose to make. God is in old women who say Pace to you in Mass and in strangers who smile at you as you walk down the street. He is with us everywhere we go. I know that. 

I miss CLC. I miss MaranaTha'. I miss Chaplaincy.  I even miss Y4J even though I only went a grand total of one time! That one time had a pretty strong effect on me. I miss being in an atmosphere where I know that people understand what I'm going on about. Where I can just be. Where I can praise and worship God the way I know how. I need that. I didn't really realise just how much I need it until I came here. Without God, my life would have no meaning. I could try to live a 'good' life, but without Him it would still be dry and empty. At home I am ridiculously lucky to have amazing friends who understand that about me, and who feel the same way. I'm not judging people who don't feel this way, don't get me wrong. I just need the push. The whole holding-hands-together community feeling. I have nowhere to go on Thursday afternoons. I think of Cantarei. On Friday evenings. I think of M'Tha. On Saturdays.  I think of Y4J.

I know that the only thing that can save me in this respect is probably the most important thing. Prayer. And yet I feel I'm stuck. I need guidance. The feeling of peace I get after I pray is probably the most amazing I've felt over here, but still sometimes I forget this. And I wonder why I'm feeling empty. Why I'm not 'happy'. Then I remember. And I can't believe I could have forgotten. 

I need to learn how to really pray on my own and deepen my relationship with God. It's what I've been trying to do over the past year or so. It just gets harder when you're on your own. 

I need to be the person I can count on to remind myself how prayer makes me feel. I don't know if that even makes sense.

I've been reading so much about Lenten talks and meetings and the like. You guys sound so busy! And you're so lucky. Please don't forget that. You don't know how much I would give right now to be in your shoes.

Everyday when I walk out of the house, I plug in my headphones, turn on my mp3 and sing Hillsong. All the way to uni. And back. People have got used to me by now I think. Well, if they haven't already they soon will.

God Bless you.

3 comments:

Simon said...

I fixed it...people can comment...you're welcome...
erm...
about the post...I read it ages ago and had something to say...can't seem to recall what it was now...but you know I care

Allie said...

It's good to miss home, friends and family. It's not that you miss God. God is there. Life in Malta makes it easier to be in touch. The true challenge is when it is hard.
Love you pupa!

Nessa said...

Why are you not writing why? I need your stories, I live off your adventure :P Hehe write...xxx